In 2017 when I was teaching yoga at a gym, I decided to start getting there earlier and pick up treadmill running. I was not a runner growing up. I was a classical ballet dancer until I left for college and then I was a classical college kid running to parties.
I realized one day that I had a free gym membership due to my yoga teaching "perks", so perhaps I should start to utilize what I was offered. I also never indulged on going to a gym much. I vaguely remember having a membership to a gym down the street from my apartment in NYC, but honestly, all I remember about those gym days is that my MP3 player was so big, it would pull my pants down when I was exerting effort. So I spent more time figuring out where to put the MP3 player than I did counting or burning calories.
Not to mention, I felt like I was judged at gyms. I would try to tell myself that nobody was looking at me, nobody cared. But I've been to gyms since those days...people look, people judge. It's the whole practice of turning off their stares in your own mind, what does a stranger have to do with your road to wellness?? Don't let them live Rent Free.
Okay, so now it is 2017 and I'm giving it a go. My MP3 player has downgraded in size to my iPhone. My earbuds can drown out any stares at what I'm certain sounds like an elephant running on a treadmill and I push forward.
In 2018, I decided I would train for a half marathon. And I did it. I ran 5ks, 10ks, and did that half marathon in 2019. Every now and then I have a glimpse of a memory pop up at seeing my parents surprise me by showing up at mile 6 to cheer me on. I ran to audiobook mysteries. I trained to Gone With the Wind...did you know that is a 51hour listen? Yea...I had never read it, nor seen the movie, so my mom sent it to me via @audible. That's a lot of training hours.
I did the half. I was so friggin proud of myself, I cried when I crossed the finish line. I vowed never to do it again, until I signed up for the next one later that afternoon.
I love a challenge. I think challenging yourself is the best way to get over yourself. Seriously, think about it. You are your biggest critic, you are the one holding you back from doing the thing. But if you challenge yourself, well hell, you can do anything. But you know what else I have done, my whole life when I was too scared to finish?? I told others. Yup. I told them something I wanted to do, I couldn't go back on my word then. I couldn't let others down, because like I thought those people were judging me at the gym all those years ago, I often think if I say I'm going to do it, then I welcome anyone to bet against me. Just so I can prove I'm capable.
The first hike I ever went on in Chile, the leader of the group bet that I wouldn't make it to the destination. I warned him, don't bet against me. It was summer, it was close to 100 degrees, I had not prepared physically nor nutritionally, I ran out of water, I got lost with a few people I had only just met, I got lapped by a group of blind people being led by a guide and a rope. But I finished. And I got that free meal he promised me if I did. 11 miles, 11 hours, couldn't walk straight for a week, but I accepted the challenge.
I once told a friend I wanted to get my eyebrow pierced, a few hours later, she pops up and said "let's go get your eyebrow pierced". Challenge accepted. Now that didn't last long. My father had something to say about that and technically I was still under his financial roof at the time, but I accepted the challenge and rebelled and rocked out that eyebrow piercing for 3 whole weeks. The fear I felt when I came home with my first tattoo at 34 years old was something else...but apparently when I was no longer under their financial or physical roof...my decisions are my decisions.
Anyway, telling others is always my accountability statement. It is me offering myself a challenge and I accept it. Before they have to jump up and tell me to go get that piercing or run that mile, I've said it, and I'll do it and if I waiver...I've said it out loud, I am certain someone will call me to that table.
I'm rambling...do you hear it too? I'll get back to the point. After 3 half marathons and never once turning my running mind from saying things like "this is miserable, how far have I gone, how much further do I have to go?" I kinda just gave it up. I wooed my now husband with my tales of being a runner, as he is one. So off we would go running, he would push me to run 9.30 or 10 minute miles, and I would be in my head not just asking how many miles I have gone or I have left, but what exact words I should use at the end of this so called "fun activity together" when I tell him he is my least favorite person and I have come up with all the curse words, the ways to fight back whatever BS he will tell me about my "pace and how good it was" and how I will make him do something worse. So, eventually, we stopped running together. I was miserable. He wasn't exactly enjoying it either.
And then this year, we made a deal, we needed an activity to do together again and running seemed to be our common ground. He would never be into yoga nor he does not exactly enjoy my twerking at the gym while he is lifting weights, so running it is. But we made a compromise. We are building back my agility again and he's slowing down his pace to keep me motivated. He pushes me every time and every time I meet his challenge. And every time I meet that challenge, he extends another one. And I'll give it a go, and then he will find his empathy when I make it only so far for that one.
We are running to share an activity together. One that gives him that euphoric high, one that makes me want to kick him in the shins during it, but a little less every time. We are running towards comfort again. Comfortably knowing our pace isn't always the same, we don't always get the exact same out of it each time, but we have made a commitment. We have challenged each other to slow down, speed up, keep going, hang back.
What is challenging you to revisit something you weren't sure you saw yourself doing ever? Or doing again? If you want that accountability partner, say it out loud to the universe. Someone, somewhere, is going to look you in the face one day and say "Hey, did you do it?"
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