Okay, if you have been reading this blog or known me for a while, you know by now, I love change as a part of my life. I have upended my life and moved to another country, I have changed jobs that became comfortable, taken spur of the moment trips, I moved so far away from my comfort zone that I lost site of it a lot.
But in the past 15 months of my life a lot of changes came to me unexpectantly, and without invitation. The biggest ones you know, I lost my mom and I lost both of my dogs, and one you may not know because you haven't seen me, is I gained 23 pounds in those 15 months.
One more time, all together now, twenty-three pounds.
Oh I'm not done, I lost my zest for writing my book. I tried, every few months, I picked it up and wrote something or edited something. I had a meeting with my publisher and made empty promises. I've never made empty promises before in my life.
My uninvited change gutted me, quite literally.
I've never been one for New Year's Resolutions. I do not believe in, I'll start Monday. And when you are a successful procrastinator like me, if there isn't a last minute to put something off until, then it just won't get done. But when 2023 was approaching, I felt ready to invite uncomfortable change back to the party.
I have been advocating for change in my new job, I have been opening windows and doors that were long left shut or ignored. I feel myself get invigorated each time I am able to make something happen, even a little bit, because I knew it would be successful, and I was driven by the part inside of me that feared it would fail.
I told my love and my nutritionist in November, "let's understand that December is going to be a wash. I mean August through November weren't perfect since I started seeing the nutritionist again, but I am ready to commit come January 2" Give me a break...I didn't want to completely follow the norm with January 1! I was ready to invite changing my ways nutritionally again. She asked me at our first appointment in January, "How was the holiday?" My answer: "I had covid, it was the first Christmas without my mom and the first one together with Dave, I felt all the feelings and I treated my body like a dump truck.". We had a good laugh at my unexpected description interpretation, but nothing about what said was untrue.
I looked back at the last email exchange I had with my publisher where I promised to get her something by December 4th. And I hadn't done a thing except on one plane trip, I hand wrote a chapter about my mom. I had become so paralyzed by fear and grief and creating a space of not looking at myself in the mirror (both figuratively and literally), that I just ignored the parts of me that were too fearful to give attention to.
I looked at my partner at the end of the year and I said, I need to make a commitment to change, I need to invite the unknown and the uncomfortable back into my life. I took pictures, no wait, I had him take pictures of me in a sports bra and shorts so I could really look at myself and also, so I could watch the shift post re-commitment.
I set my alarm and my coffee maker for 3:55AM for three days a week to get up and write before I go to the gym at 5. I make my lunches the night before. I'm fully committing to dry January to detox my system. I have reached out or made plans with people that I fell short of showing up for the past 15 months, but they showed up for me. The best part of that, I was not only forgiven for my lack of showing up, I was given grace.
2023 is my year for getting shit done. I am driven by the confidence of my success and the drive that is the fear of failing.
I am inviting the uncomfortable back into my life, seeing the parts of me I chose not to look at for so long, this is my way of honoring my mom. She never understood my desire to commit to change and the unknown and losing site of my comfort zone, but she always encouraged me to keep going and had the faith that I would do it successfully and with humor. When I work out in the morning with my @leansquad app and trainer, Phil, he often asks "What is your Why?" And I think of her, and Dave, and my pops and my sisters, my nieces and my nephew, my friends, all these people who stood by me in my grief, showed up for me in my joy, and encouraged me to confidently dive into my commitment to change. They don't care that I am 23 pounds heavier or that I haven't written, but they care about my joy in committing and showing up and passionately living.
I'm committing to showing up here again, weekly, whether you do or not. What are you committing to this year?
What's your why?
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