Dear Grief

Let's chat. First off, I never once wanted to meet you. I met you a few times along the way when I lost my gram, my mom's mom, and later my grandmother, my dad's mom. I expected you to come, because I expected them to one day go. That is the cycle of life, right?

But then you came so unexpectantly into my life in 2017. I didn't know what to do with you. So I dug my heels in and first did what I knew to do, take care of the others. Make sure they are okay, the ones most closely impacted by your sudden jolt into their lives.

But one day, not too long after, I felt like there was something more to me needing to understand your role in my life. I did all the things, I did the therapy, the medium session, the meditating, the book reading, all the things.

And you kind of sat idle for a while, until once again, you came in, this time with warning. I knew you were about to pull up a seat at my table and leave only when you felt like it. And you have come and come and come again...

But you never really leave, do you. We have this new relationship, you and I. I have come to think of you as an old friend. One who perhaps overstays their welcome, who comes when I least want you there, but you show up. And now you give me this chance to honor who you represent. To sit silent with my memories of them. To share stories of them to friends or strangers alike. To speak openly about why you are around and why you never really leave. It's because you provide something more than pain, you provide a bubble of a life that I get to look at floating by in front or above or sometimes passing by me.

Grief, you are hard, hard to welcome to the table, sometimes you make me so angry that I want to scream at you, but you don't actually exist.

You are a feeling, a memory, a love, a friendship that doesn't quit, the only thing that doesn't die.

Just sitting idly by, waiting for me to notice you so I can sit with you beside me, while I hold the thought of them, him, her, that life, our memories and you allow me the space to do that. Because I get to blame you for my outbursts, for my understanding of life, for my up and down of emotions with no warning.

I didn't want you to come into my life, but I just wanted to thank you for being the place I can turn to when I want to remember a life from before.

Love,

Hadley